Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
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