What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.