Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.