"Your love is rare, but your sense of humor - rarer!"
Welcome to the funny poem section, where poetry meets hilarity!
The biggest source of funny poems online, including funny roses are red poems, funny birthday poems, funny love poems, short funny poems and funny poems for adults, as well as funny limericks and funny haiku.
A circus performer named Brian, Once smiled as he rode on a lion. They came back from the ride, But with Brian inside, And the smile on the face of the lion.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I can’t rhyme, Banana
There was an Old Man of Columbia, Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer; But they brought it quite hot, In a small copper pot, Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sat on a chair, With his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Roses are red Violets are blue tl;dr They differ in hue.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I said it was me, It was actually you.
You may have crossed fifty But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born smart, What happened to you?!
I love you more than the sun and moon I loved you since you left the womb I love you though you are quite hairy And I never find it scary Even when you pick your toes My love for you only grows
An elephant slept in his bunk, And in slumber his chest rose and sunk. But he snored — how he snored! All the other beasts roared, So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Remember the city, Remember the town, Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card. By writing inside upside down!
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe, I saw it at the zoo. And I wished my head could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked, Why is my neck so small? I want a giraffe's neck, long and tall.
Then I could touch the sky so blue, just like the giraffe's with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher. Daddy, please get me one. To be high up in the air, would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up! I felt myself rise! With my head in the clouds, I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe, I sat proud and tall. My daddy's the best neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
There was a Young Lady of Hull, Who was chased by a virulent bull; But she seized on a spade, And called out, 'Who's afraid?' Which distracted that virulent bull.
They said I was an "old fart" But I hardly think that's true My boobs were done in '75 But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered I have 20/20 sight Though I like to sit on 50k And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old" But "fart" is another matter For I think the valves that seal the gas Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity And make me feel antique Sometimes when I sneeze or cough I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug With a body like brand new Just remember in 30 years This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food I like pizza How about you?
How did you get to be such an amazing man? Never have I seen someone who can do all you can. I look at you and gasp in awe, You are the best that I ever saw. You are the perfect man for any woman, You’re just so good at making me grin. Everything you do is so perfect for me, You are precisely my cup of tea. Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due, And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet I’d recommend that you all try it Any food will do Nothing’s bad for you ... It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
There was an Old Man of Leghorn, The smallest that ever was born; But quickly snapped up he Was once by a puppy, Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
I see you driving Round town with the girl I love and I’m like Haiku.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today; they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way. too many candles to light, it would take into the night. When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart, but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart; ‘cause age is just a number not something to encumber, and this old man is still young at heart.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night And dress by yellow candle light. In Summer, quite the other way, I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see The birds still hopping on the tree, Or hear the grown-up people’s feet Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you, When all the sky is clear and blue, And I should like so much to play, To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Twinkle Twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a tree so high. Hope you break your neck and die! Twinkle Twinkle little star. Go to heck, it isnt far.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door, Under my bed, on the bathroom floor, Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks, Next to the table, and out in the sandbox. My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you, Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
There was a Young Lady of Troy, Whom several large flies did annoy; Some she killed with a thump, Some she drowned at the pump, And some she took with her to Troy.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm, for a glow worm’s never glum, ’cause how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-coloured ass; But the length of its ears, So promoted his fears, That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Fifty is ten past forty Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Amazingly, antelope stew, Is supposedly better for you. Than a goulash of rat, Or Hungarian cat, But I guess that something you knew.
There was an Old Person of Ems, Who casually fell in the Thames; And when he was found They said he was drowned, That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
A funny old bird is a pelican. His beak can hold more than his belican. Food for a week He can hold in his beak, But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
The years go flying by so fast We wonder why our youth does not last But when I look at you I see A younger version of what you use to be But remember I am aging with you And without my glasses the picture is skewed So who cares about what has been done As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
There once was a man from York, who picked his nose with a fork. He went for a pluck, when it got stuck, and walked around looking like a dork.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on; The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate, Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
There once was a fellow named Abe And today is the day he was slayed John Wilkes Booth took his life As he sat with his wife Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born A State that would later be torn When a war was declared And a nation prepared For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State Where they always have corn on their plate In the law he was trained Much respect he attained Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve With copious gusto and verve Then The White House he sought Which he won by a lot But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided That the law of the land was misguided And that slaves should be freed But the south disagreed And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war Full of death and destruction galore The battles were heated The south was defeated But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
There once was a vicar at Kew Who kept his pet cat in a pew. He taught it to speak alphabetical Greek, but it never got farther than µ.
I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life. It makes the peas taste funny. But it keeps them on the knife!
My dear, I love you so much it hurts, I ache to be close to you. My heart beats wildly out my chest, Without you I’m so sad and blue. I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart, And despite the pain, I’ve got to say, Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear, Because you’ve taken my breath away.
There was on Old Man of the Isles, Whose face was pervaded with smiles; He sung high dum diddle, And played on the fiddle, That amiable Man of the Isles.
One Saturday morning at three, A cheese monger's shop in Paree. Collapsed to the ground, With a thunderous sound, Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Love me tender love me true Show me how you feel Buy a ring and bend the knee Then take me for a meal Give me wine Act like you’re mine And woo me with your charm Then kiss me quickly Before I’m sickly And hanging on your arm
I’m glad that you’re my mother, Kind and caring and strong. Because surely no-one else, Could have put up with me this long!
You and I are in love So when you laugh I laugh You cry, I cry You scream, I scream You run, I run You smile, I smile You jump off a bridge I’m going to miss you.
I gaze at you in awe, Your beauty leaves me speechless, I long for your touch, And I yearn for your kiss. I can wait no longer, I can’t leave my heart on the shelf, Oh whoops, I’m sorry, I forgot to introduce myself!
oses are red, violets are blue, Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!' When they said, 'No! you ain't!' He was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon? Can July come before June? Can the sun ever feel cold? “Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea? The creatures there seem so happy. Why does cheese look like gold? “Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are? Has it always been, right from the start? Will Mickey Mouse ever get old? “Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow, And I will learn, this I know. I’ll ask my questions and be bold, “And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
A young schoolgirl named Rose, Is rather ashamed of her nose. She distracts people's stares, With the mice that she wears, Hanging down from her clothes.
When his driving had gotten bizarre Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far So he hitched into town Laid some good money down And then simply brought home a new car.
There was an enchanting young bride, Who ate many green apples and died. The apples fermented, inside the lamented, and made cider inside her inside.
Mom, you’re so awesome, I’d never want to trade, You’re the best mother there ever was, And I’m the best child ever made!