There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)