A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on intercourse.
When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about intercourse. So he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice."
"The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"
Once upon a time there was a thief and a politician who were friends. One day, they entered a chocolate store.
While they were busy looking around, the thief stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the thief said to the politician: "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The politician replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and politician said to the shopkeeper: "Hey do you wanna see magic?"
The Shop keeper replied: "Sure!"
The politician says: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop keeper gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for a second, and he ate that as well.. He asked a third, and finished that one too.
The shop keeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The politician replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find it!"
In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc.
One day, she went to shop for clothes.
After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things.
"Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses.
When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow.
"There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!"
"I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you."
"Nope. No way." said the psychic.
"How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl.
"Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing anything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned and the appliances are sparkling. Even the floor was waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted and the pillows on the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? S
o he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter??!!”
“I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just putting’ on my shoes!”
A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon. When it's almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle.
One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off.
Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker.
The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time.
The clock maker tells her that she needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.
The woman leaves the shop satisfied... but starts to ask herself... "How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?"
So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.
The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. "I'm sure my watch is accurate." He reassures her. "I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break."
Some signs either make no sense or too many!
On a bathroom door:
"Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
In a laundromat:
"Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
In a london department store:
"Bargain basement upstairs."
In an office:
"Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken."
Outside a secondhand shop:
"We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?'
Notice in health food shop window:
"Closed due to illness."
Spotted in a safari park:
"Elephants please stay in your car."
Seen during a conference:
"For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
There is a day care on the 1st floor."
Notice in a farmer's field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges."
Message on a leaflet:
"If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
On a repair shop door:
"We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door
The bell doesn't work)."
Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.
Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.
"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door.”
“Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shop." she answers.
"Frauline, don’t gif me that! You know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze bloody grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently.
"Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is broken. It does not vork!" she says.
“Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks.
"Colonel, ze pendulum only svings von vay, ze bloody thing only goes TICK, TICK, TICK and it cannot go TOCK." she answers.
He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays of making it TOCK!"
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She said, "that's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter?
I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Mastercard." He notes.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asked,
"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
She paid the bill…
A few decades ago, a man walked into a barber shop and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."
As it was in those days, the barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge.
However, instead of the usual child or assistant, a gorgeous woman kneels down and shines his shoes for him.
The man said, "Hi there sweetheart. You know, you're pretty gorgeous."
"Why thank you." said the woman and flashed him a smile.
"How about, after my shave, we both get out of here and go to my hotel room?" asks the excited young man.
"I don't think my husband would like that." she replied.
"Oh, nonsense! Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference!" Smirks the customer.
"You tell him." She says, smiling, "He's the one shaving you."
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around".
The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you $10,000!"
The next day another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer replies: "Oh the pigs? Only the finest products sir! Caviar, artisanal cheeses and hand picked salads!"
The man is shocked, he says "Sir, that food is way too rich for them, they'll get sick! I'll have to fine you $10,000!"
The third day another man approaches the farmer again and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves."
A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window.
She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it. Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day.
A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is.
She angrily calls his cell phone.
"Where the hell are you?!?" she yells.
"Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
"Yeah, I remember that my love!" she replies, smiling and blushing as she does, her anger changing to euphoria.
"I'm in the bar just next to that shop."
A drunken man walks into a coffee shop one day.
"Do you have ice coffee?"
"No sir. We don't." Says the owner.
"Ok then." says the drunken man.
Then he gets on his way. 20 minutes later he comes back in.
"Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires again.
"No sir. We don't. I told you before." Says the owner.
"Oh. Sorry about that." says the drunken man as he waddles off.
20 minutes later he comes again.
"Do you have ice coffee?"
"Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee."
"Wow ok then. No need to tell me twice!" exclaims the drunkard and exits.
This time, the owner decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait.
Sure enough, 20 minutes later the drunkard enters again.
"Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires.
"Why yes sir, we do!" says the owner with a smile.
"Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?"
A trucker came into a truck stop coffee shop and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Bill wandered into Max’s pawnshop and placed a coat on the counter.
“How much will you give me for this?”
Max checked the coat for a second. “$20, and that’s the best offer.” he replied.
“But that coat is worth $100." argued Bill.
Max was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”
“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Bill.
“Positive. That's the best price you'll get for it.”
“Okay,” said Bill. "Here’s $20. The coat was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.”
On his way into the supermarket, a man walked by a cashier, who noticed that his fly was undone.
Looking at him, she said, "Your barracks door is open."
Because this is not a phrase men normally use, he carried on walking into the store, feeling a little puzzled. Later, while shopping, a man came up and told him, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. Then, remembering what the cashier had told him, he finally understood. So he intentionally got into the line of the same cashier's checkout, the lady who told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her. So, when he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No. No I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back..
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
For Men
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
For Women
Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir?
We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95."
The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers:
"Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."
A philosopher, a mathematician, a chemist and a physicist were at coffee shop.
The physicist turns to the chemist sitting next to him and says "You know, chemistry is just applied physics!"
They all laugh a bit at the chemist.
The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all share a laugh at the physicist.
At which point, the philosopher interjects, "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
The laughter roars even louder.
The mathematician turns to the philosopher and says: "That's funny. Now shut up and bring me the coffee I ordered."
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied: 'a can of peaches.'
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She said she stole six.
The judge then said, 'I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, 'What is it?'
The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
On a warm summer night, a young lady entered the butcher shop with startling news for the butcher: The baby in her arms was his.
Nonplussed, the butcher didn't know what to do, and eventually offered the only thing he thought he could - he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home, he told his mother what the butcher said.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years... then come back and tell me about the expression on his face!"
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
A young man dressed walks tall through the doors of the local coffee shop one Sunday morning. He sits lazily and looks the place up and down before raising his hand and summoning a waiter.
"I would like your FRESHEST coffee, none of that muddy stuff you probably usually make from yesterday's leftovers."
The waiter assured him they make fresh coffee many times per day.
"I'll believe it when I taste it." Said the young man. "I'm from New York and I know good coffee. There's very little chance you've got good coffee here, so at least make a new batch for me." and he shoos him away.
The waiter goes to the kitchen and comes back with a cup of steamy coffee.
The man tastes it and immediately makes a disgusted face. "Just what I thought, that's not FRESH. Come on, make me another one!"
The waiter goes back to the kitchen and indeed takes some time to return. Upon his return he is holding a steaming and aromatic coffee cup. The waiter gives the gentleman the cup and he takes a sip... before spitting it out immediately.
He turns to the waiter and shouts, “This is way worse! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
Fellow shows up at the local dry cleaner's, looking somewhat sheepish.
"I'm really sorry to bother you with this," he says, "but I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old ticket for a suit I brought in to be cleaned five years ago! It must have fallen out of my pocket and it has been sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust since then! Would you by any chance still have the suit?"
The dry cleaner looks at the ticket and says he will go to the back of the shop to look.
Fellow hears the dry cleaner rummaging around in the back for about twenty minutes.
Finally, the dry cleaner emerges, covered in dust, but with a triumphant smile on his face.
"You won't believe it," says the dry cleaner, "but I have good news for you!"
"Oh my goodness!" says the fellow. "You mean you actually found it?"
"Yep!" Said the dry cleaner proudly: "It'll be ready next Tuesday!"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.
Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks him. "What makes them Olympic, exactly?"
"Well," answers her husband, "They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks with a smile.
"Gold, of course!" proclaims her husband proudly.
"Really," ponders the wife, "Why don't you wear Silver?"
"Why silver?" asks the husband.
"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."
A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.
"Only two pairs of underwear?"
"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."
The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order.
A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please."
"Only 5 eh?"
"Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend."
The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!"
A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please."
"Finally, a man who knows hygiene!"
"Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday."
At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please."
"Wow! You must be really clean!"
The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..."
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida):
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!
An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for his first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new attendant was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and so he called him up wondering what happened to him.
He answered the phone in distress, and said he couldn't get out of his room!
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
"There are only three doors in here," the man groaned, "one leads to the bathroom, one leads to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
The wife looked at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
"Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things."
The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”
The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn't even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed...
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!"
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.
The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)"
Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!)
The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A lovely Russian lady came up to me at the mall and said "Please, I am looking for a one night stand."
I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say Billybob, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followed.
As the sun peeped over the windowsill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said "So how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she said, "but I still have no place to put bedside lamp."
A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to look at the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price tag of $5,000. This makes him curious, as most other monkeys are $500 at most. He then goes to the merchant to ask for details.
"Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?"
"That's our computer monkey. It knows Windows 7 and windows 10, and also knows Word, C++, .net, app programming, and last but not least, it knows how to fix computers if yours breaks."
"Wow!" Declared his customer. "That's a good monkey, well worth the money."
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of $10,000 and again he will ask the merchant.
"What does this monkey know?"
"That's a highly specialized monkey. It knows 5 languages and can translate fluently between them."
"That's amazing!" Says the man excitedly. "That's WELL worth the money!"
"Yea, but if you buy one you have to buy all three. They work together."
The man follows the seller's pointing finger to yet a third monkey, just sitting there with a price tag of $20,000.
"Gosh, what does THIS monkey to justify that ridiculous amount of money?"
"To be honest, I've never seen him doing anything, but the other two call him Project Manager."
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, he doesn’t bite.”
The man then tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
“Ouch,” says the man, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!”
“That’s not my dog."
Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "I am."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds"
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson's
disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-"
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "yea, but why-"
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?"
"We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
"Genius, my butt - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
It was the 1930s and a rich banker and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the heck was THAT?"
"Oh," replies the husband sheepishly, "she's just my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more expensive cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband.
His wife huffed. "Ours is prettier."
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for $5000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$5000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Stan. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
“Darn, where did she get all THAT from?” wonders Stanley.
The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.
A man lost his hand in a war and goes to a shop to purchase a prosthetic hand.
He enters the shop and explains his situation, the salesman directs him to their selection and picks up the first prosthetic hand.
"This is one of our highest quality prosthetic hands, will feel as close to having the touch in your fingers as you were prior the incident. It costs $1,500".
"No thank you, that is too expensive for me.", says the war vet, "Do you have anything cheaper?"
The man nods his head and picks up the next prosthetic hand. "This one is almost as good as the other one, it has received multiple high reviews from our customers. It costs $900".
Again the man argues, "No thank you, that is too expensive still, do you have anything else?".
The salesman nods his head and picks up the last prosthetic arm on the rack.
"This is our cheapest prosthetic arm, it costs $650, however we only have it in a green color".
The vet again responds, "No thank you, that is still too expensive and I despise the color green."
The salesman, out of options, tells the man, "Across the road there is an old man close to death selling his prosthetic hand, from the old man you can go and buy your third hand second hand first hand".
An elderly woman visited a store that sold jade and requested seven kilograms of potatoes.
The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually.
The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with.
The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner.
The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else.
The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots.
"Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually."
"Oh, that would be grand." she said.
The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag.
The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?"
The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
~ Filming in cemetery angers residents
~ Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
~ Crash courses for private pilots
~ Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
~ Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
~ Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
~ 30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
~ Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
~ Miners Refuse To Work After Death
A young man goes into a liquor store and approaches the shop owner.
Customer: "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"
Shop owner: "Sure, son, go ahead."
Customer: "Why are you selling the Jack Daniels at thirty dollars per bottle?"
Shop owner: "And why shouldn't I, exactly?"
Customer: "But the owner of the shop across the street sells it at twenty dollars per bottle."
Shop owner: "Well, if you don't like it, why don't you go and buy there?"
Customer: "Well, because right now, they don't have any Jack Daniels."
"I assure you young man," said the shop owner, "once I run out of Jack Daniels, I'll be selling it at fifteen dollars per bottle!"
A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
"To your house."
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What happens if this doesn't work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILED'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel but it wouldn't even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City.
The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd love to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. "Maybe I should ask her."
The husband raises a hand. "Allow me, my love."
The wife beams at him. "What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie."
The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?"
"I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman.
"Nice. How much were they?"
"Oh, around 500 dollars."
"Thanks for letting me know."
The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, "She got her shoes in Los Angeles."
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and...
Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it."
The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue."
As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."
The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him.
The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that.
In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said, "I told you that you'd be back for the story!"
"To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician??"
Two blonds drive to the local mall to do some shopping.
When they come back to their vehicle, they find they they had locked their keys in the car.
One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blond says "Darn, I can't get in the car!"
The other blond replies, "keep trying! It looks like it is going to rain and the top is down!"
A couple decide that they need a guard dog.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled
“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”
“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found??
"Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!
"Well, WHAT is it?" Fumed Pete.
"She never got your E-mail!"
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came into his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me... Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
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