Nervous Jokes

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
The Music of the Rainforest
The Music of the Rainforest Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides... when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?” The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.” Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers started getting nervous. “The drums sound closer, and we think they are getting louder! What does it mean?” “When drums stop, very bad.” Doing their best to maintain composure the Europeans kept moving. About 5 minutes later the drums abruptly stop and the explorers panic. “The drums have stopped! What should we do?!” “When drums stop, very bad, now comes bass solo.”
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
The Cat Statue
The Cat Statue A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue." As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story." The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said, "I told you that you'd be back for the story!" "To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician??"
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
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