My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
More candles means a bigger wish!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
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