For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
You are aged to perfection.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
They say everything gets better with age.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
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