I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
More candles means a bigger wish!
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
You are aged to perfection.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
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