You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
They say everything gets better with age.
You are aged to perfection.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
More candles means a bigger wish!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
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