What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
More candles means a bigger wish!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
They say everything gets better with age.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
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