Twice Jokes

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
I've checked it twice, and I'm sure you're on my "naughty" list.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
The Angry Woman and the Walmart Greeter An angry woman with two kids enters Walmart, shouting angrily at the children and at anyone who crosses her path. The greeter at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." "Shut the F up." Grunts the woman. Unperturbed, he says: "Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting just enough to say, "Hell, they’re not twins! The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "Neither. It's just hard to believe someone slept with you twice."
My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had intercourse.
I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.
I will kiss you in the rain so you get twice as wet.
The Drunkard and the Coffee Shop Owner A drunken man walks into a coffee shop one day. "Do you have ice coffee?" "No sir. We don't." Says the owner. "Ok then." says the drunken man. Then he gets on his way. 20 minutes later he comes back in. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires again. "No sir. We don't. I told you before." Says the owner. "Oh. Sorry about that." says the drunken man as he waddles off. 20 minutes later he comes again. "Do you have ice coffee?" "Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee." "Wow ok then. No need to tell me twice!" exclaims the drunkard and exits. This time, the owner decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait. Sure enough, 20 minutes later the drunkard enters again. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires. "Why yes sir, we do!" says the owner with a smile. "Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?"
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