Yo mama's so fat that, after s** I rolled over twice and was still on her!
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Girl: My favorite number is 16 Boy: why? Girl: because you get 8 (ate) twice.
Why is 88 better than 69? Because you get eight twice.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
I'll kiss you in the rain, so you get twice as wet.
The Angry Woman and the Walmart Greeter
The Angry Woman and the Walmart Greeter An angry woman with two kids enters Walmart, shouting angrily at the children and at anyone who crosses her path. The greeter at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." "Shut the F up." Grunts the woman. Unperturbed, he says: "Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting just enough to say, "Hell, they’re not twins! The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "Neither. It's just hard to believe someone slept with you twice."
The Drunkard and the Coffee Shop Owner
The Drunkard and the Coffee Shop Owner A drunken man walks into a coffee shop one day. "Do you have ice coffee?" "No sir. We don't." Says the owner. "Ok then." says the drunken man. Then he gets on his way. 20 minutes later he comes back in. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires again. "No sir. We don't. I told you before." Says the owner. "Oh. Sorry about that." says the drunken man as he waddles off. 20 minutes later he comes again. "Do you have ice coffee?" "Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee." "Wow ok then. No need to tell me twice!" exclaims the drunkard and exits. This time, the owner decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait. Sure enough, 20 minutes later the drunkard enters again. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires. "Why yes sir, we do!" says the owner with a smile. "Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?"
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.