My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone. Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number. “Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone. “You need all the practice you can get!”
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe. he dropped the beet.
Inviting Friends Over
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
"Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin? Worm your way out of that one!
Give Me Whisky
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
My friend asked me how big the ocean is. I said "can you be more Pacific?"
The Hillbilly and the Whistles
A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?"
"Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said This is my thyme to shine.