Friend

I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
The Husband, the Wife and the Towel
The Husband, the Wife and the Towel A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm. After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love. Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes. After 20 minutes of love making, the woman is no closer to being satisfied whilst the man is nearly finished and wants to hold out, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places until he is ready to do more. So the friend is now copulating with the wife while the man wafts the towel. After 2 minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had. The husband looks at them proudly and says: “now that, my friend, is how you waft a bloody towel!”
The Hillbilly and the Whistles
The Hillbilly and the Whistles A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?" "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Give Me Whisky
Give Me Whisky There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
‪My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
‪He says it’s his passion‬.
Inviting Friends Over
Inviting Friends Over With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening. His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace. "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.