A tortoise went out for a few beers and, despite being severely worse for wear, decided to walk home through the rough part of town.
Half way home he was set upon by four snails who beat him senseless, stole what little money he still had and, as a final insult, they sprayed obscenities on his shell.
Utterly distraught, he was taken to the local police station where the fox inspector asked if he could remember anything about the assailants .
"I don't know!" He cried, "It all happened so fast!"
A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”