Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you". He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said... "Then why are you shaking?"
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?" Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date? Dublin date.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend. She'd changed.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months! For now, they're just cell mates.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna1, Anna2
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Why did the pig want a divorce? Her husband was a boar.
My sister just delivered a baby... I knew she had it in her.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices. I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
I made my mother's French sister angry Now she's a cross aunt.
What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?" He said, "Is this her first child?" I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high... She looked surprised.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years. It was a so-be-it union.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!” I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called? Em-bro-yos.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him? Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I met your mother on a dating site. I don't know, we just clicked.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse? Their significant figure.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters. That’s how you get aunts.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities. While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Girlfriend wants to get married... This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn? Where's popcorn?
What does a cow call their spouse? Significant udder.
My children got their good looks from their mother. I kept mine.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why... And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My friend said that he eats more than his brother. I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english But he came back with nothing
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at.
What’s the only thing divorce proves? Whose mother was right in the first place.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america? "Son, we are now Europeants!"
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out identity theft is a crime
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ... And as you can see, they were Wright.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you? Fertilizer.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist... But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin? Snakespeare
There once was a family, the Bigger’s. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest? The son, because he was a little Bigger.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies. That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My niece called my antisocial I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass? Their marriage was on the rocks!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage... The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.