What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.