I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
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