Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
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