“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."