I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
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