Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
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