My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
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