What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.