My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
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