Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
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