I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
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