Marriage is a funny affair, especially with these funny Marriage Puns!

Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
"It's been an emotional day,," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.