My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
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