As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
"Genius, my butt - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
As Chester left a pottery class, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot.
Chester’s wife, Sally, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. Chester’s theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Sally’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Chester burst through the doors, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Sally’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then Chester made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," he stammered (He always calls her "honey" in times like these) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. Chester thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Sally’s voice. "Chester!" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me."
"I will!" Sally retorted, "Just as soon as I convince this cop to take off the handcuffs!"
Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station.
While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.
When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself.
She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring.
The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.
Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
The Game Show Contestant
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are is the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Two blonds lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blond says "Darn, I can't get in the car!"
The other blond replies, "keep trying! It looks like it is going to rain and the top is down!"