Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What does a house wear?
Address.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
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