When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!