Pocket Jokes

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
The $5000 Desk Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is. “That desk is going for $5000,” says the shopkeeper. “$5000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Stan. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Darn, where did she get all THAT from?” wonders Stanley. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”

- Phil Pastoret.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
Let's go. I will give you a ride. Hop into my pocket.
Do you have a tea bag in your pocket because I can see me in your pants.
Is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?
Is that a thermometer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
The Trucker and His Emu An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'Then what's with the emu?!?' The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big rump and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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