Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
The Mysterious Photo
After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love, Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Now Joe was curious and a bit alarmed, was there a husband who will come back?
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly." she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all." she said, nibbling at his ear.
"Well, who IS he then?" demanded Joe bewildered.
"That's me before the operation." She whispered.
A guy walks into a bar. Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”. The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Helium walks into a bar. He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A Pleasant Surprise at the Bar
A man walked into a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!"
The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!"
The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!"
The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts-they're complimentary."
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
The Talking Dog and the Bartender
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Gizmo here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink?" asks the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Gizmo going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Gizmo! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Well, I've never had any money before."
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose." she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "and you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Give Me Whisky
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.
The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’
‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows.’
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar.... No Joke.
Getting Those Snails
One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and damn near explodes.
"Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!"
The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
Two Dragons walk into a bar. 1st dragon: It's hot in here 2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
A Human Loving Alien
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?"
The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!"
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?"
The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender."
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
"Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says.
"I do." The bartender gurgles back.
"Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks.
"Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!"
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat...
"The reason it's called the Keyboard is because it's a space bar."
The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”
The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”
The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Stevie Wonder's Golf Game
A famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus, is sitting in a bar drinking with Stevie Wonder. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?"
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." says Stevie.
"You... you play golf!?" asks a dumbfound Jack.
Stevie says, "Sure, I've been playing for years."
"But... forgive me," Says a baffled Nicklaus. "I thought you were blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Stevie Wonder smiles. "No offense taken. It's an understandable question. What I do is I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." He explains.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wonders.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
"And what is your handicap?" Jack asks.
"I play off scratch." Stevie assures him.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is fine with me."
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar. Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
The Boot Size
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered." Said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
The Alligator in the Bar
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Tim walks into a bar and sees his friend Peter slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Peter what's wrong. "Well," replies Peter, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Tim with a laugh. "Well," says Peter, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Tim, "When are you going out?"
"Well I went to meet her this evening," continues Peter, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Tim.
"So I get to her door," says Peter, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."