Town Jokes

Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Santa isn't the only one coming to town.
How Much Does He Charge? A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door... A boy, about 8, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy. “No, they went into town,” the boy replied. “Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked. “No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said. The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
The Mayoral Solution A large sinkhole opens up on a remote town. An alarming number of people fall into it and injure themselves and it's difficult to get them all to the small hospital they have. The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. However, they only have 2 ambulances and they're needed more in the center of the town to get there quickly. So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone nods in deep wisdom. Alas, after a few days it's obviously not really doing much and it just creates more accidents with too many cars on the smaller roads. Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole. Finally the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells: "You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole and then we dig a new one next to the hospital!"
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Shopping for a Psychic In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc. One day, she went to shop for clothes. After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things. "Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses. When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow. "There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!" "I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you." "Nope. No way." said the psychic. "How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl. "Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
The Naked Marathon Runner A woman was having an affair. One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband"s car pull into the driveway. Woman: "OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window". Lover: It"s raining out there!" Woman: "If my husband catches us, he"ll kill us!" The lover jumps out of the window. As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town"s marathon. He started running alongwith the others, 300 of them. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked". "Oh yes!" he replied. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner: "Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes" Lover answered. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!" 3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope..just when it"s raining."
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
My Dear, Let Me Confess An old football player was dying. So he called his wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. I must confess. I cheated on you twice throughout our marriage. Please forgive me." His wife says: "I forgive you my love. But I have to confess, I too have cheated on you, 3 times." "Three you say?" Said the husband, feeling like she cheated a bit more than him. "Who were they?" "Well," said his wife sweetly. "Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team." Her husband was alarmed but he was thankful she did it for him. "Who else?" "Well, do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times." "You did WHAT?!" He spluttered. She continue, "And do you remember during matching nobody in town encouraged you? Well.."
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