An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.