A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between girls and boys, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.
She sticks her tongue at the boy and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"
A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.."
"Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl said to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32."
The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother was past surprised. She was shocked.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Really?" the mother asked. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in s*x."
All of Broomtown was abuzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married.
Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little whisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?!?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!!"
A CEO went on a rock-climbing trip with one of his employees.
The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the employee was so scared he couldn't find a handhold. The CEO yelled, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go."
The employee, accepting his fate, was praying when a wad of cash hit him in the face. He yelled to the CEO, "What the hell is this for?"
The CEO, while cutting the rope, replied, "It's your severance pay."
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, why not find a girl who's just like your mother?"
A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred sighed, "My father doesn't like her."
A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade
“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?” a little girl calls to him.
The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.
“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”
The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”
The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”
The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!”
The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”
“Homemade brownies, 50 cents!”
The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about fifty cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.”
The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”
“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy two of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”
“Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate.
Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?”
She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”
“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!”
The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”
One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, not every day they get to raise a question before the President of Russia.
"Yes, cute girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with braids, who began to speak, saying, "Hello, Mr. President. My name is Sasha and I wanted to know: Do you think one day Russia will return to itself as the Soviet Union, In the past? "
"Of course," Putin replied. "It is only a matter of time before all the countries of Eastern Europe, and even the countries of the world, understand that it is in their favor."
"Yes cute boy, next question please," Putin said, pointing to a boy with freckles, who said, "Hello Mr. President. My name is Arkady and I wanted to know: what is the secret of your success? Because you are the most powerful and important man in all of Russia."
"The truth is," Putin said, "I am the most powerful and important man in the whole world, and the secret of my success is that I just know what is good for everyone, so everyone trusts me to run the country for the best."
"Do you have any more questions?" Putin wondered, then pointed to a blond boy raising his hand.
The boy spoke and said: "Hello Mr. President. My name is Boris and I wanted to know why Russia is sending troops to Ukraine and why we have annexed the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine to us?".
A moment after Boris finished asking his question the break bell suddenly rang, and everyone went out for lunch.
When the break was over, Putin and all the children returned to the lecture hall.
"Yes sweet girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with short hair who stood up.
"Hello Mr. President. My name is Katya and I wanted to know where Boris is."
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 24."
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa, pay the man."
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Alright my child, so it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Okay My Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
A familiar voice rumbles: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
A grandfather takes his grandchildren to the beach.
They’re playing in the sand when suddenly, a massive wave comes and pulls the smallest grandson out into the water.
Panicked, the grandfather prays to God. “Oh God, please bring him back! Please let him live, in your mercy. I'll do anything and worship you forever!”
Almost immediately, an even bigger wave bursts out of the ocean, setting the little boy down right at his grandfather’s feet.
He scoops him up in a huge hug, crying with relief. Then he stares up at the sky and says, “He had a hat.”
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things."
The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"
A man drives to the local mall. He has been driving around and around for quite some time, struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, found one!”
A middle-aged Jewish man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, you gotta help me. It's my son. For 30 years he's a Jew, and now bam! He says he's a Christian!"
"Funny you should say that," the Rabbi replies. "I'm having the same problem with my kid. Let's go see Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Elder.
So they go see Rabbi Rabinowitz. "Both of our sons say they're Christians now," says the younger Rabbi.
"Funny you should say that," the elder Rabbi says. "My son, too! 30 years of being a Jew, and now BAM! Let's go see Rabbi Spiegel, the eldest of all of us."
So the three go see Rabbi Spiegel. "Rabbi, all of our sons are going around saying they're Christians!" the men complain.
"Funny you should say that," says Rabbi Spiegel. "My son, 30 years he's a Jew, and then bam! He's a Christian now." The rabbi gets serious. "The only thing we can do is take this straight to Jehovah."
And the Rabbi kneels and prays, "Oh, mighty God, our sons have been good Jews for 30 years now, but now they're going around saying they're Christians!"
And a voice booms down from heaven: "Funny you should say that..."
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa, she is looking at his face in a puzzled look.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
The grandpa looks at her and says: "Something on your mind, little one?"
The girl thinks a moment and asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”
A young virgin couple is finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"Now what do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is s*x?"
The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask this question?" Her father asked her:
The little girl replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
"The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.
When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc.
One day, she went to shop for clothes.
After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things.
"Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses.
When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow.
"There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!"
"I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you."
"Nope. No way." said the psychic.
"How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl.
"Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."
Jenny was sitting reading her favorite magazine when suddenly an ad pops for an all-expenses-paid cruise for the low price of $500.
She excitedly goes to Jack, her husband, and shows him the ad. "Look Jack," she says, "it's in two days and only $500!"
"I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?"
His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway.
The next day, Jack is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly.
"Look Jack," she says, "there's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $500!"
"I'm really not into cruises, to be honest." Replies Jack. "Here's $500, why don't you go and have a good time?"
She agrees to do just so, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise.
A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells him how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took. While looking them over, Jack notices that his lover Brenda is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?"
"Oh, her." sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there."
The next day, Jack goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress Brenda. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks Brenda: "Who is she?"
"Oh, her!" says Brenda, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"
One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a streetlight.
The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wristwatch had broken loose from his wrist.
The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch.
After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.
"About a half a block up the street," the drunk said.
"Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"
The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!"
The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."
Four members of the clergy had a theological argument about the intricacies of their practice. Eventually, the three male ministers were arguing against the one female minister.
The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove that my point is correct."
A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."
The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.
"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."
This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.
"See! I told you I was right," the woman said.
But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.
"Help me, Lord," the woman implored.
And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"
The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"
"Okay, okay," they said. "But it's still three against two."
A college student wrote a letter home:
'Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.
I feel ashamed and unhappy.
I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son,
Marvin
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.
I wanted to take this letter and burn it.
I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.'
A few days later, he received a letter from his father:
'Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!'
A principal of a small middle-school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.
Though he was a rather stern disciplinarian and a bit of an old fuddy-duddy, he was not primarily concerned with issues of modesty and innocence. Rather, for some reason, when applying it in the bathroom they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints, like so...
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
When they gathered at 2pm, they found the principal and the school janitor waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the janitor to clean the mirror every night.
He said he felt that the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was, and therefore he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The janitor then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 50 years.” Said the old man.
“50 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“Well, I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up wise, in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
There is a folktale about Pinocchio, one that claims he never became a real boy, but instead grew up and became a wooden man.
One night, Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. I love you Pinocchio, but every time we make love... I get splinters.”
So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto to ask his advice.
Geppetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need. Just be careful with it, don't injure yourself!"
A few days later Geppetto runs into Pinocchio and says, "So, my dear boy, how are you doing with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" says Pinocchio.
A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Lady, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to c*ap when I tell you the price."
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as she shows him around his apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is surprised that this girl would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her so as not to ruin his chances.
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After he has this intense night of passion with this beautiful girl, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The woman yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
This is a story about a frog who had a unique and weird love in its heart - for human women. He wanted to meet the princess to make him a prince.
Of course, no human girl will touch him. His frog relatives are weirded out and don't want to help him.
Eventually he hears of a psychic toad that lives not far away. He makes his way to him in leaps and bounds, and finds him in a little bog.
After much pleading, the toad reads his fortune.
He tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the toad, "in her biology class."
Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.
When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.
The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.
He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” he replies.
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear and places his other hand on top of Larry's head.
He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.
After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:
"Larry, how is your hearing now?"
"I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a really good dentist, How did you figure THAT out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "Oh my God, what happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if the worst should happen and there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You try again."
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns green in disgust and horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Around the beginning of the 20th century, a society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now".
It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.
The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.
The agency man asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained.
Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there.
Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom.
The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?"
Molly swallows nervously and says: "Surely we do madam, but we don't skin 'em!"
A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block.
Her mother says “No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat.”
“What does that mean?”, asks the girl.
“Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?” says the busy mother.
So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks “I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you about it.”.
The father takes a rag, pours some petrol on it, and then rubs Lulu’s backside with it to disguise the scent. “Now you can take her for a walk”, he says. “Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine”.
So the little girl skips happily away with Lula trotting along beside her.
A few minutes later she returns with an empty leash, and no Lulu.
Concerned, her dad asked “Where’s Lulu, sweetie?”
“She ran out of gas halfway around the block," the girl replied, "so the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home.”
A couple of pretty gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow.
They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink.
Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask those pretty ladies over to join us?"
"My pleasure!" Hos buddy says and walks over to them saying, "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"
One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!"
He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away.
He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?"
His friend replies "Nah. They don't speak any English."
One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.
"What did you do today?" I asked.
She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls!" she chirped.
Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don't," she added.
"Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.
I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."
I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.
"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" she asked.
My palms were beginning to sweat.
"Um...well…" I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"
Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered.
She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."
That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.
As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.
"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"
I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.
There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.
She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique.
That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought for a minute and then said: "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you. This may very well be the solution," the woman happily responded.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." Smiled her little girl proudly. "They have a box next to the front door that says: 'For the Sick.'"
One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and told her about his father's secret.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
"Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."
Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters.
Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.
They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant.
Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.
Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could.
To his confusion, his son didn't look like his daughter, he didn't have their pointed chin, his nose was much larger and so were his ears.
“How did we get such a different baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two girls.”
Linda blushed, which made him shoot her a look of suspicion.
“Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked. "Be honest."
"I really didn't." She declared. "Not this time."
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
A little 12-year-old girl was walking home when a big man on a black motorcycle pulled up beside her.
After following along for a while, the rider turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl," and winks, "do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Come on now, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay, last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a big bag of candy if you just hop on the back of my bike."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and says, pointedly: "Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley...YOU RIDE IT!"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
and sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
and someone nice to scratch my back,
for windowsills all warm and bright,
for shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay cool,
and keep the secret feline rule,
to never tell a human that
the world is really ruled by cats!
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
“The one with the big boobs”.
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thing,' which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well," said the old lady,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and discovered to his horror that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
"You're probably right," The girl replied thoughtfully, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber.
He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered."Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent.
"I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."
A teen came to her mom and said "mom! I've got 10 dollars"
Her mom said "Where from?"
"Tommy from down the road he dared me to do a cartwheel" she replied
"Dear that boy is just trying to see your panties!"
"oohh" the girl says
The next day the girl comes to her mom and says "Mommy I've got 20 dollars!"
"I told you not to trust that boy!"
"No mom I tricked him, I didn't even wear panties today!"
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