Skin Jokes

The Untrained Maid Around the beginning of the 20th century, a society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit. The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away. The agency man asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained. Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there. Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom. The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?" Molly swallows nervously and says: "Surely we do madam, but we don't skin 'em!"
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The Leather Worker A leather worker was flying to Australia when his plan crashed. As bad luck would have it, he got separated from the rest of the floating passengers and found himself stranded on a small deserted island. Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself. With a steady supply of food, the leather worker knew it was time to find a way off the island. He decides to make a large canopy out of the cow's leather and used some leaves to spell out S.O.S that could easily be seen from above. A few days later, a passing plane spots the message, and calls a ship to rescue the man. It just goes to show you that when all else fails, the best thing to do is to hide in plane sight.
What it doesn't say on the back of that can of whipped cream is that it tastes really good on my skin.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
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