A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between girls and boys, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She sticks her tongue at the boy and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie.
So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.
"Only two pairs of underwear?"
"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."
The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order.
A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please."
"Only 5 eh?"
"Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend."
The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!"
A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please."
"Finally, a man who knows hygiene!"
"Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday."
At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please."
"Wow! You must be really clean!"
The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..."
Frank takes his blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.
Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.
"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.
So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, "you weigh 128 pounds?" "You are two pounds off," replies Heather. She steps on the scale, and sure enough, she weighs 130 pounds.
After Frank and Heather ride the Ferris wheel, Frank asks, "What do you want to do next?" "I want to get weighed," replies Heather. "But you already did. Twice." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "No I didn't."
So Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser a third time. "Let me guess," says the weight guesser, remembering what she had weighed the first two times, "you weigh 130 pounds?" Heather steps on the scale, and sure enough, she still weighs 130 pounds.
Now this goes on for a while. Frank always suggests to go on a different ride, and Heather always says, "I want to get weighed." After much arguing, Frank reluctantly takes Heather to the weight guesser over and over. Both Frank and the weight guesser become very annoyed.
Finally, the blind date is over. Frank takes Heather home to her roommate, Lisa.
"How was your date?" asks Lisa.
"Oh, Wisa," says Heather, "it was wame and wousy."
There was a man who was very happily married, but, every birthday he would have the same fantasy request for his wife: He wanted a threesome, and every year the wife says no.
This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.
“Fine Sam, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”
George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works in accounting at my office?”
“Yes, of course.” the wife responds.
“Well, with her." Said Sam, "and one of her friends.”
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever made love to a woman.
"Tarzan not know lovemake." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for??!!"
"Always check for squirrel."
This bachelor goes into a bar and notices a major hottie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, the bachelor couldn't achieve any progress with her. "No thank you," she would always say."
The man was determined, this cutie was worth giving up the game. They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities!
At the end of the night he finally caved. "Why won't you come home with me?" he whined to her. The woman said: "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"Wow, that must be rather difficult." the bachelor said.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."
One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and damn near explodes.
"Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!"
The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A young man moved to the beach area and is trying to meet women, but isn't having much luck. One day, the young guy is walking down the beach, and he passes an old guy, who is completely surrounded by young beautiful women in bikinis vying for his attention. The young guy scratches his head and keeps walking, but can't understand how that old guy is meeting so many women...
The next day, he takes a stroll on the beach again, and passes the same guy, who once again has many attractive young women with him. The next time he walks down the beach, he sees the old guy again, and he still has hot young women all around him. Finally, he decides that he has to know the old guy's secret, so he pulls the guy aside and asks, "How do you do it? How do you always attract so many hot young women?"
The old guy responds, "Tomorrow, when you head out to the beach, slip a potato inside your bathing suit!"
So the next day, the young guy slides a potato into his bathing suit and heads out for his daily beach walk. But today, all the women are actually moving farther and farther away from him! He finds the old guy again and says, "Hey, what's going on? I followed your advice, I put a potato in my bathing suit, and the women are practically running away from me!"
The old guy sighs and says: "Try again tomorrow, but this time, put the potato in the front!"
This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.
One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me!" said the young Cowboy.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely." said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will." said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young Cowboy didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your butt, so it won't hurt as much!"
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?"
Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days.
When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of
panties on the floor that do not belong to her!
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"
The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."
"Nah," said the husband musingly, "she doesn't even wear panties."
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a gorgeous woman kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "Hi there. You know, you and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be 8 again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being 8 again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!"
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and...
Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!"
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?"
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my Jeep."
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?"
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and make love.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thing in the mommy’s thing. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thing in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, dear. Jewelry.”
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a patronizing smirk and asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah?' said the cop, already starting to write up the report. 'What do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stopped. Then lifted his head: 'A WHAT?
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
''Are you playing games with me? '
'Not at all, officer." said the woman seriously. 'I take pride in my work.'
'And just what does a.. a rectum stretcher do?' The officer asked.
'Look,' she sighs, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'
A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."
His wife thought it was a bit strange but also kinda kinky, so she agreed.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband.
The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered." Said the woman. "Just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Lucy and Debra were having one of their chats during one of their regular Thursday outings to play some chess, talk and get some good coffee.
At one point, Lucy sighed and said, “You know, Debra , if something every happened to my Paul, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”
Debra nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said.
“Once is enough for me too.”
The wrestling match was about to begin and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"
The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "I know, Coach, if you've told me once...I won't let him get me in The Pretzel!"
"Good! Just don't let him get you in The Pretzel!"
The crowd in the arena was roaring. The two wrestlers moved to ring, a well lit white square in the center of the seats. The Contender was called and the crowd cheered, then the Champion was called and the crowd roared.
Coach called to the Contender "Don't let him get you in The Pretzel!", and the Contender nodded and moved into the center. After a few moments, the match began.
Coach watched as the wrestlers twisted together, all power and speed. The crowd surged. The bodies on the mat became a twisted wreck.
"The Pretzel..." the Coach whispered, reaching to throw the towel into the ring, knowing there was no way the Contender could win. Before he could, though, there was a horrible, wrenching scream of agony from the ring. The wrestlers parted, fought, and before anyone could react, the Contender had the Championed pinned. The count went down.
There was a new Champion.
Coach's jaw was on the ground, the towel still in his hand. He was amazed, shocked.
The new Champion was hustled into the locker room, and Coach followed.
"How did you do that? No one has ever got out of The Pretzel! Never!"
"Well, Coach, if you've told me once, you've told me a thousand times...but he is really good. I thought I had everything under control, but he was so fast, before I knew it, he had me in The Pretzel and I heard the count going down. I couldn't move."
"I looked up and there was a groin hanging right in front of my face, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I chomped on it as hard as I could."
"You can't believe the strength you get from biting your own testicles."
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
“The one with the big boobs”.
Two men are hiking in the woods when suddenly one curses, stumbles and falls. He has been bitten in the groin by a rattlesnake.
“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the venom and spit it on the ground.”
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say???” the injured man cries to him.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"