How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
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