What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!