Naked

I Don't Know Where to Put It
I Don't Know Where to Put It A young virgin couple is finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
The Humming Sound
The Humming Sound A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?!?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching sports on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are YOU doing?" she exclaimed. "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.

“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies,” Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”

In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
Why Naked?
Why Naked? A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in. He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?'' Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.'' The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.'' Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.'' The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!'' The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping. The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?'' He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.'' The other man looks at him and says,''But... you're naked.'' The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and shouts, ''Them little bastards!''
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
So Lifelike
So Lifelike Two priests are going to shower in the male shower rooms. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Michael remembers he bought some soap the other day and it's in his room. He goes to get it, not bothering to put anything on in the the quick jog. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and turns back. While he is halfway down the hall when he suddenly sees three newly inducted nuns going his way. In a moment of sheer panic, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a wax statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells: "Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.
"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.
"I'm a turtle" said the man.
"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.
"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at a nusing home. What do you call Iron Man without his suit? Stark naked.
Uncle Ted's Antics
Uncle Ted's Antics A man came home early from work one day, only to hear some strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on their bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he said. "I'm having a heart attack," cried his wife. So the man rushed downstairs to grab the phone. But, just as he was about to start dialing, his four-year-old son came up to him and announced: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe! AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" The man slammed the phone down and stormed back upstairs into his bedroom, past his moaning wife. Then he ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You jerk!" Yelled the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did you get any head?”

The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it.”
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."