"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
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