“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
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