“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell