“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
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