“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
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