“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
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