"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.