“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
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