"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
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