“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
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