“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
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