What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
A Frog Outta Luck
A Frog Outta Luck There's a frog who has a unique kink: He falls in love with human girls. Of course, no human girl will touch him. Desperate, he goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."  The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"  "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Roses are red
Grass is greener
I think of you
When I touch my weiner.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.