Touch Jokes

“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”

- Jr. Williams.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful

(William Cole)
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
A Frog Outta Luck
A Frog Outta Luck There's a frog who has a unique kink: He falls in love with human girls. Of course, no human girl will touch him. Desperate, he goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."  The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"  "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
You're just like a snowflake: Beautiful, unique, and with one touch you'll be wet.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”

- Jarod Kintz.
A man once told Brian, "You are so tall you can just touch the stars". He replied, "Be careful unless you don't want me to throw a shooting star at you"..
Once, Jonas told me, "You are so tall that you can touch the top of the building". I said, "I am 'short' of time right now. Go and bother someone else".
"You are so tall that you can touch a flying airplane".
"Wow, I'll alert the media houses at once".
Joey's friend advised him not to take the bus as his tall person head would touch the bus roof. Joey replied, "That's really insensitive. I use the term vertically inclined".
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