Girlfriend

What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
My Experience With Women
My Experience With Women When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"

"Will you be my Valenstein?"
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
The advantage of having a blonde as your girlfriend? You get to park in the handicap zone.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”

Me: *smiles and nods*

Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”

Her: “Listen. You never listen”

Me: “Oh..”
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Johnny and His Little Secret
Johnny and His Little Secret One day, mother walked in on teen Johnny making out with his girlfriend. Johnny felt this was awkward, and he didn't want to the family to know he has his first girlfriend and tease him. But his mother smiled and said: "Don't worry Johnny, I won't tell your father, this will be our little secret." The next day Johnny sat to breakfast with all his family, when his father noticed a hickey on his neck. "Son," He said, "where did that hickey on your neck come from?". Johnny replied: "That is me and mother's little secret." The rest of the breakfast was very quiet.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
The Moral Test
The Moral Test We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea. My girlfriend? She's a keeper. But there is something that bothers me. This something is her little sister. This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else. One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to make love with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked. Couldn't say a word. She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then, resolute, turned on my heel and made for the door I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car.