Girlfriend

Johnny and His Little Secret
Johnny and His Little Secret One day, mother walked in on teen Johnny making out with his girlfriend. Johnny felt this was awkward, and he didn't want to the family to know he has his first girlfriend and tease him. But his mother smiled and said: "Don't worry Johnny, I won't tell your father, this will be our little secret." The next day Johnny sat to breakfast with all his family, when his father noticed a hickey on his neck. "Son," He said, "where did that hickey on your neck come from?". Johnny replied: "That is me and mother's little secret." The rest of the breakfast was very quiet.
My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about.
I still wish she hadn't got one.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Dear John...
Dear John... A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
The Moral Test
The Moral Test We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea. My girlfriend? She's a keeper. But there is something that bothers me. This something is her little sister. This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else. One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to make love with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked. Couldn't say a word. She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then, resolute, turned on my heel and made for the door I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car.
I have a lot of cute names for my girlfriend, but ever since she’s been in a coma, I just cauliflower.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife’s clothes.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
Mick Jagger and the Desperate Youth
Mick Jagger and the Desperate Youth A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up. One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was Mick Jagger getting ready. Our guy approached him and begged him to come and talk to him at some point during the concert. He tried to explain that he really liked his girlfriend and they were both huge fans of the Rolling Stones, so it would mean the world to him if his girlfriend was given the impression that he was an acquantaince of Mick Jagger’s. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.” said Mick Jagger. “Please Mr. Jagger, and I promise I won’t bother you ever again.” “Okay, fine.” Later on, during a break between songs, Mick Jagger got off stage and went over to the guy and his girlfriend. “Hey buddy, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in so long.” he told him. The guy looks at him impatiently. "Ugh, Mick, can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend??"
Boyfriend: Just because you have your period doesn’t mean you can be so mean.
Girlfriend: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you can be one.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".

To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
My Experience With Women
My Experience With Women When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, got angry all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big breasts.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.