When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it. It was the elephant in the womb.
The Generous Father
A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You go out on another date."
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?" He said, "Is this her first child?" I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.
His wife looks worried and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"Your problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant... ...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
The Fertile 70 Year Old
An 70-year-old married a 20-year-old. A year after the wedding the couple arrives at the delivery room.
A male boy weighing 3.5 kg was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man "Yours?"
"Yes," the old man replies proudly.
"Congratulations," the nurse replies. "Well..." says the old man, "the old engine still runs!"
Two years later the duo arrives at the delivery room again. A 3.5 kg girl was born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes" the old man answers. "Well done" the nurse answers. "The engine still runs!" said the old man.
After two more years, they come to the delivery room again. A 3.5-year-old male son is born, healthy and beautiful. The nurse asks the old man: "Yours?".
"Yes," the old man replies. "Congratulations," the nurse says, "that's really impressive."
"Well..." says the old man, "the engine is STILL running!"
"Well... says the nurse, "you may want to change the oil, the last one came out black."
A happy 90-year-old man walked into the doctor's office. He was all smiles and laughed with the nurses and staff, until they brought him in to see the doctor.
The doctor examined him and told him he should start eating better, because his health was not in that great a shape.
The old man was surprised, he said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor smiled, "My point exactly."
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 80 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"
he new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
It's a Miracle!
A mother and her teen daughter arrive at the doctor's office.
The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 3 months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”
Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.
A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time! "
Why didn't the sentence have a period? Because it was pregnant.
The Vacation Plans
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther:
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called? Em-bro-yos.
An Unorthodox Method
A woman went to her doctor's clinic.
She was seen by one of the doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
One of the younger doctors stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
She had her sit down and relax in another room.
The younger doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The older doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant... He exploded with anger. It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
The Shocking Postcard
A long time ago, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, though she wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card... then promptly turned white and fainted.
Alarmed, she picked up the card on the floor and read aloud: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...
A boy, about 8, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.
“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.
“No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said.
The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my sister pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."