I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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