What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.