A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder. Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'.
They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off.
The blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He rushes to put his clothes back on and chases after her.
He finally catches up with her. "Why did you run away?" He pants.
She says, "With all that dynamite, I ran when I saw how short the fuse was!"
An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him.
While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops.
"Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more."
The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man.
He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around.
By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them.
"Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief.
But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him.
Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple," said the old man "this always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Some signs either make no sense or too many!
On a bathroom door:
"Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
In a laundromat:
"Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
In a london department store:
"Bargain basement upstairs."
In an office:
"Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken."
Outside a secondhand shop:
"We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?'
Notice in health food shop window:
"Closed due to illness."
Spotted in a safari park:
"Elephants please stay in your car."
Seen during a conference:
"For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
There is a day care on the 1st floor."
Notice in a farmer's field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges."
Message on a leaflet:
"If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
On a repair shop door:
"We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door
The bell doesn't work)."
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! slept with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
A rabbi and a priest went for a walk in the park, and strolled by a large lake.
Suddenly the rabbi said: "Let's go in and do some 'baptism', the water looks really clear!"
"But we don't have swimsuits" the priest told him.
"So what?" replied the rabbi, "Let's go into the water as God created us."
The priest thought for a moment and then agreed with him. They took off their clothes, laid them on a piece of grass at the edge of the lake and went in for a short dip. After a few minutes they left the lake and walked back towards the place where they had put the clothes.
Suddenly the two noticed a small group of people staring right at them.
Embarrassed, the priest tried to cover his shame with his hands. He looked to the side and discovered that the rabbi was covering his face with his hands. "What are you doing?!?" hissed the priest, "cover your privates!"
"I don't know how it goes in YOUR congregation." Said the Rabbi, "but my people recognize me by my face!"
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.
The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)"
Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!)
The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
They pondered this possibility, but the Frenchman and the Russian soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
Although the Russian and the Brit agreed on this point, there still seemed to be something amiss.
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!"
Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind."
The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!"
Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!"
Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?"
Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!"
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!"
"Crap!" Jerry exclaims.
"Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes."
Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!"
"I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!
Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, they're in your tackle box."
An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, MI6 and KGB.
The MI6 team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.
"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 600,000 years old."
Not to be outdone by the MI6, the CIA goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.
"The remains are approximately 615,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology."
Before the CIA is even done giving their report, the 2 man KGB team is already making their way towards the cave with nothing but a gym bag one of them is holding.
They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the KGB forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged.
"So, the remains are 623,118 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old."
Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date.
The KGB agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says:
"He confessed."
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.
His friend asks him afterward, “How did it go?”
He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.”
Friend: “Okay, that’s weird...But what happened when you met them after a week?”
He says: “The first girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.”
“The second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.”
“Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.”
Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??”
“The one with the big boobs”.
There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the only solution was to convene for a meeting of all the covens, in which they would either strike a deal for peace, or end it all in violent bloodshed.
The sea witches arrived first, carried upon a tidal wave that bore them up and onto the coast, the waters crashing loudly as they struck the shoreline as if to announce their presence.
The mountain witches rode down the hillside upon magical storm clouds, thunder and lightning bursting from their steeds of vapor, a tumultuous blizzard ravaging the mountains in their wake.
The forest witches, shape-shifters, emerged in the form of gnarled roots which encircled the meeting place and rose out of the ground, bending and twisting into humanoid silhouettes from which sprung skin and clothing, as a flurry of leaves swirled around furiously.
The sand witches arrived in a catering truck.
While still lying in bed, the wife turned to her husband, and said, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today." "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home to straighten yourself out."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it was forgotten. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night," the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" he asked.
"Because every 2 minutes you were telling your secretary to go faster."
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck!
The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “Genie, I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genie's fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly. “You have one wish left.” he thundered.
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “This cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered...
“I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?"
"My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”
The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”
She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it."
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
“So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
Sarah's parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend. This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring. They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
"What the heck, Sarah?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!"
"You've got him all wrong," said Sarah, irritated, "he's an incredibly nice and charitable guy."
"What makes you say that?" asked her father.
"Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community!"
Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!”
“You're on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked through the front door.
Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Evelyn.
“I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'...”
A man came home early from work one day, only to hear some strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he said.
"I'm having a heart attack," cried his wife.
So the man rushed downstairs to grab the phone. But, just as he was about to start dialing, his four-year-old son came up to him and announced:
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe!
AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
The man slammed the phone down and stormed back upstairs into his bedroom, past his moaning wife. Then he ripped open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You jerk!" Yelled the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A woman was having an affair. One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
Woman: "OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window".
Lover: It's raining out there!"
Woman: "If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!"
The lover jumps out of the window. As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's marathon. He started running along with the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked".
"Oh yes!" he replied. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner: "Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" Lover answered. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!"
3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope...only when it's raining."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are standing in a museum looking at a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden.
The three stare at it intently.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the British man. "They must be British."
The three of them ponder this possibility for a moment before the Frenchman and the Russian shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, enjoying the best of life. Clearly they are French.".
The Brit and Russian agree on this point, but after a moment the Russian shakes his head again.
"No clothes, no shelter..." He muses. "Also, they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian!"
"Important Announcement:
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.
They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
"In front of you?" He asks shyly.
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen a naked human body before.
The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”
"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth, it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to make love to a woman, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can make love all night!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and
started banging his manhood on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Bubba? Is that you?"
I've lived a few years in my home, and the pretty neighbour next door and I always flirted with each other, despite her being married.
One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg..."
At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.
"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."
The husband accepted the offer gladly.
I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me. But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.
The neighbor, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, with my brush on the wall, painting.
Screaming, he shouts at me:
"What the heck is this? You started painting in my bedroom, and NAKED?"
"Hey buddy, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!"
"But naked?"
"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?"
"And with a boner, you bastard?"
"And just where am I going to hang the darn bucket!?!"
A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.
"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"
The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement.
She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.
The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"
"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."
Conclusions:
1. Not every gamble relies on luck.
2. Not all blondes are stupid.
3. But men - are always MEN!
A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."
His wife thought it was a bit strange but also kinda kinky, so she agreed.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband.
The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."
A huge muscular man with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The Bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it is really phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously answered this question many times.
"One day", he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to the stream. So i picked up the frog and it said,
'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said -
'You now have 3 wishes.'
I looked at my scrawny 60kg body and said,
'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.'
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She asked,
'What will be your second wish?'
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'
She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish, what will it be?'
I looked at her and replied,
'How 'bout a little head?'
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa, pay the man."
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary and bleary eyes, she read:
I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as she shows him around his apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is surprised that this girl would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her so as not to ruin his chances.
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After he has this intense night of passion with this beautiful girl, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The woman yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.
He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled:
"From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, you know who is going to tie my tie for me?!?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The Undertaker."
A man, called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
Two mental patients, Jim and Neil, are sitting and playing checkers in the game room.
Jim says: "Wow don't ask what a terrible dream I had yesterday! I am in New York, get on the train on the way to you to Boston, fall asleep, and arrive in Chicago! Get on the train from Chicago to Boston, fall asleep again, and wake up in New York! It was back and forth like that all night long!"
Neil laughs and tells him: "I had an amazing dream yesterday, and I met a beautiful, famous woman."
Jim gets excited, asking, "Who?"
Neil answers him: "Beyoncé! And what is she telling me? 'Can I come in to warm up?'"
"Well, so what did you say?" Jim asks.
"I said to her, 'Why not? Let's have some fun! She went in, took off her clothes, went into the shower and came out with a towel to hug me on the couch "
"Wow, what a dream..." says Jim with a hint of envy.
"Wait, that's not all," adds the other, "the second we sit down, another knock on the door. I open it, and who's standing in the entrance, wet from the rain?"
"Well, who?" asks Jim enthusiastically, "Scarlett Johansson! She also wants to go in to warm up! She goes in, takes off her clothes, takes a shower and comes to warm up with us on a sofa. And all night I'm thinking what the heck am I going to do with TWO of them?"
"What kind of friend are you?" complains Jim "Couldn't you have called me? Isn't one beautiful, famous girl enough for you?"
"You think I didn't try?" Shouts Neil, suddenly upset. "I called you all night, but you? New York to Chicago, Chicago to New York, New York to Chicago..."
In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc.
One day, she went to shop for clothes.
After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things.
"Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses.
When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow.
"There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!"
"I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you."
"Nope. No way." said the psychic.
"How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl.
"Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone!'
'No more headaches??' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache' 'I do not have a headache' ' I do not have a headache.' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
"That's wonderful!' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
A little less enthused, the husband agrees to try it and goes a few days later.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up, and her head is spinning. 'OH MY GOD!!' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' . 'She's not my wife.'
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow."
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever made love to a woman.
"Tarzan not know lovemake." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for??!!"
"Always check for squirrel."
A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches.
"You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"
"Really?"
"Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was of course much faster than me."
The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."
"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.
"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.
"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."
"That's nice "
"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."
A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''
The other man looks at him and says, ''But... you're naked.''
The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and shouts, ''Them little bastards!''
Johan and Eric, two computer geeks with little social experience, ran into each other at the college entrance.
"That's a great bike you have there! What made you get it?" Eric asked Johan.
Johan got off the bike, removed his helmet and responded: "I didn't purchase it, Andrea gave it to me as a gift."
"As a GIFT?!" Eric exclaimed in surprise, "I always knew she was into you, but this is taking it to a whole new level!"
Johan smiled and told him: "Yesterday I was strolling in the park and I saw Andrea on this bike. She came to me without saying anything, tossed the bike aside, then took off all her clothes and said 'Take whatever you want!'"
Eric's jaw was hanging loose.
"So, I took the bike." Johan finished.
Eric nodded in agreement and stated: "Good decision, her clothes wouldn't fit you."
A married couple wakes up one morning, and while still lying in bed, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today?"
"What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it disappeared. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night..." the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?"
"Because every 2 minutes you were shouting your secretary's name!"
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
A catholic man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and planned his lavish trip to Italy.
Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.
The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible.
The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth!
Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man.
The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind.
He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes.
The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work!
Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered,
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here!"
A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.
He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can."
The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave." The general laughs and says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?"
"Actually sir, there is one thing..." Said the soldier.
"I'd like to be the first one to use the brush."
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, which wasn't very good at all.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining."
Two nerdy male students meet on campus one day.
One of them notices that the other is on a shiny new racing bike.
He calls out to the other: "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike.
She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Guy's Variation Rider - If you change queues or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works in supermarkets and shops.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Decree of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. This is also the case if you are female and you have gone out with no makeup and wearing your worst clothes and with greasy hair.
9. Murphy's Office Law - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. This will also happen when you show someone that something on the computer is easy and it doesn't work.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn't even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed...
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!"
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
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