Snakes! The're scary, they're vicious, and some of them can kill you! But here, they're just gonna make you laugh with some harmless sssssnake puns!

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.