Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.