What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
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