What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
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