We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
I need to take this picture for my instayam
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!