A woman was having an affair. One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband"s car pull into the driveway.
Woman: "OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window".
Lover: It"s raining out there!"
Woman: "If my husband catches us, he"ll kill us!"
The lover jumps out of the window. As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town"s marathon. He started running alongwith the others, 300 of them.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked".
"Oh yes!" he replied. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner: "Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" Lover answered. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!"
3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope..just when it"s raining."
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
The Golfers and the Late Tee Time
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. They start getting really upset as time goes on, as they have reserved the time weeks in advance.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 25 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!"
Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.
During an especially high-stake game, a member of the group, Ron, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table from a heart attack.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.
Abraham looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards, and Saul "wins" the dubious honor. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me."
Saul goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Ron's wife answers the door.
"Yes? What do you want, Saul? And where's my good-for-nothing husband?" She asks.
Saul gulps. "Ron just lost $5,000 playing poker," He says, "and is afraid to come home."
"WHAT?!?" Screams the wife in disbelief. "Tell him to drop dead!"