"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." â Steve Martin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." â Joan Rivers
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasnât really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." â Dave Attell
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later youâre married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." â Emo Philips
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
âI just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.â - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
âI love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.â - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
âMen want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.â - Jerry Seinfeld
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Whatâs the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." â Phyllis Diller
"When youâre in love, itâs the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I love love, and Iâm very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyoneâs mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentineâs Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside â Made in Taiwan." â Leopold Fetchner
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." â Sharon Stone
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But itâs a pleasurable one." â Fran Lebowitz
"Love thy neighborâand if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
âI didnât fall for you, you tripped me!â - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." â Benjamin Franklin
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." â Russell Brand
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." â Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentineâs Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside â Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." â Mort Sahl
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" â Jack Handy
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
âSurely Sylvia swims!â shrieked Sammy surprised. âSomeone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.â
âThe secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.â - Dolly Parton
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