"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge