"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin