"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
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