“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
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