"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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