"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
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