“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin