"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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