What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
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