My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
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