Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
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