I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
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