The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.