There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
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