One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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