No matter how kind you are... German children are kinder.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported. We don't have Oleg to stand on.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world. There's absolutely no point to it.
My wife screamed in pain during labor. I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink. His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this." And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes". The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes. His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables? No Ikea!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon? A blast from the pastor.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face." That was the punchline.
I found a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
I can't stand stair lifts. They drive me up the wall!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What are bald sea captains most worried about? Cap sizes.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots... Would they be called cellfies?
Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them? So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you call an old person with really good hearing? Deaf defying.
Why did the coffee go to the police? It got mugged.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... "That's just spam."
Which side of a deer has the best meat? The inside.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!" The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What type of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us. I'm Ruthless.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself... Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a run up, but I made it.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved It’s completely unprecedented.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman. Customer: "Cargo space?" Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD." Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours... They called it a day.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen? Royal tea.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel..
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. There's nothing left but de Brie.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time? When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack. You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?" "Yeah." "What is it?" "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong." "Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?" "No, what is it?" "Thinly sliced cabbage."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning. I said, "That makes two of us".