My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
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