I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Go to BabaMail
