I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
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