Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Go to BabaMail
