What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
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