Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.