Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
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