Tree

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Jumping Trees
Jumping Trees A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the woman, drunk as a skunk, chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the drunk began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…” “Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off. “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles - that was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
The Chainsaw and the Troublesome Customer
The Chainsaw and the Troublesome Customer A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!". The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option: this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!". The employee apologizes: "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!". Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says "ok sir, let me have a look at the saw". So the employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole shop. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks "What the hell is that sound?!?"
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
The Middleman
The Middleman One day an old man wrote a letter to God and tied the letter to a tree outside a church. The priest came and took down the letter. It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully". Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised $5,000. He put it in an envelope and wrote on it "From God" and left it next to the tree when he saw the old man come visit again. The next day, the old man came back and tied another letter to the tree. The priest then came and took down the letter and read it excitedly. "Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. Next time, please send it to me directly as the priest can't be trusted, can you believe he took $95,000 of the money!"
There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her va**na
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.