Running

My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
A Surprise Accusation
A Surprise Accusation A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed. Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man: "Oh No! That must be my husband!" The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car... A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him. He yelled: "I'm your husband, you mad cow!" And the woman answered: "Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?"
The Good Samaritan
The Good Samaritan I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You floor your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s." "Thank you so much!" She exclaimed. "Where is it?" "I just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s."
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
St. Peter and the Politicians
St. Peter and the Politicians St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven When a group of politicians walked up. "Hey Petey, may we come in too Heaven?" asks one jovially. St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had a group of politicians come in to heaven before, let me ask God." He then turns around and goes to consult God. "My lord, there is a group of politicians at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?" God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had politicians in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in." St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later. "THEY'RE GONE!" He said. "The politicians?" "THE PEARLY GATES!!"
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO.
To Run Free
To Run Free A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, which wasn't very good at all. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only when it's raining."
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
The Naked Marathon Runner
The Naked Marathon Runner A woman was having an affair. One rainy day she was in bed with her Lover when she heard her husband"s car pull into the driveway. Woman: "OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window". Lover: It"s raining out there!" Woman: "If my husband catches us, he"ll kill us!" The lover jumps out of the window. As he runs down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town"s marathon. He started running alongwith the others, 300 of them. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked". "Oh yes!" he replied. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner: "Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes" Lover answered. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!" 3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope..just when it"s raining."
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!