My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.