I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
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