An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are standing in a museum looking at a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden.
The three stare at it intently.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the British man. "They must be British."
The three of them ponder this possibility for a moment before the Frenchman and the Russian shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, enjoying the best of life. Clearly they are French.".
The Brit and Russian agree on this point, but after a moment the Russian shakes his head again.
"No clothes, no shelter..." He muses. "Also, they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian!"
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, "You, Charlie, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, "You, Buck, have set a fine example. You did not have s*x until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck's Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Buck?" they asked.
"You got a Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
Some decades ago, the Pope had died and arrived at Heaven's Gate. Sitting there, he spots St. Peter and waves at him. The bemused St. Peter asked who he was.
The Pope excitedly exclaimed he was the representative of God on Earth. St. Peter seemed confused, as he had seemingly never heard of such a thing before.
When the Pope clarified he was the leader of the Catholic Church, St. Peter was intrigued. He decided to take the query to God Himself, walking away to talk with Him through Heaven's Gate.
He asks him the same question: was there really someone claiming he was God's representative on Earth?
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (He yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes, St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise.
So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: "I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter."
The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse then says, "I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best."
The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.
"And you?" He asks the third nurse.
"I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients." She answers confidently.
The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman's file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven...
for five days!"