You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What Marriage Teaches You
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?"
Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Who Gets the Parachute?
An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when the pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death, the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.
Social Worker: "I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance."
The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
Lawyer: "I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge."
The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
Doctor: "I deserve to live because I help diagnose ill people with my specialized training."
The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground.
Old man: "Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an old man who doesn't have as many years left."
Schoolboy: "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute. Look, there are still two left."
The old man’s just stares in shock. "Wha...what... but those three..."
"Remember the lawyer with the sharp wit and the massive knowledge? He took my school backpack."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why We Age the Way We Do
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
The Prince's Curse
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad. I guess it will be 5050.
10 Long Years
A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it's so unknown that no ship ever comes near it.
10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet-suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.
With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure.
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig.
“This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively.
“Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!” Me: "That's how long your delay was."
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.” Chris Rock
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” Damien Fahey
The Mute German Boy
An American couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The American couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Vell,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”