Two mental patients, Jim and Neil, are sitting and playing checkers in the game room.
Jim says: "Wow don't ask what a terrible dream I had yesterday! I am in New York, get on the train on the way to you to Boston, fall asleep, and arrive in Chicago! Get on the train from Chicago to Boston, fall asleep again, and wake up in New York! It was back and forth like that all night long!"
Neil laughs and tells him: "I had an amazing dream yesterday, and I met a beautiful, famous woman."
Jim gets excited, asking, "Who?"
Neil answers him: "Beyoncé! And what is she telling me? 'Can I come in to warm up?'"
"Well, so what did you say?" Jim asks.
"I said to her, 'Why not? Let's have some fun! She went in, took off her clothes, went into the shower and came out with a towel to hug me on the couch "
"Wow, what a dream..." says Jim with a hint of envy.
"Wait, that's not all," adds the other, "the second we sit down, another knock on the door. I open it, and who's standing in the entrance, wet from the rain?"
"Well, who?" asks Jim enthusiastically, "Scarlett Johansson! She also wants to go in to warm up! She goes in, takes off her clothes, takes a shower and comes to warm up with us on a sofa. And all night I'm thinking what the heck am I going to do with TWO of them?"
"What kind of friend are you?" complains Jim "Couldn't you have called me? Isn't one beautiful, famous girl enough for you?"
"You think I didn't try?" Shouts Neil, suddenly upset. "I called you all night, but you? New York to Chicago, Chicago to New York, New York to Chicago..."
A big bus stops at a roadside eatery.
The passengers flood inside the eatery and as they take their respective seats the driver calls the manager aside and explains, "Look sir, we're from the mental asylum down the road. I'm taking the inmates for a ride. When they're done eating they will insist on paying with bottle caps like they do inside. Please humor them and accept their payments. I'll clear the entire check at the end."
So, as each passenger finishes eating and pays with bottle caps, the manager solemnly accepts them.
After they were all seated in the bus, the driver approaches the manager who presents the bill to him.
The driver carefully scans the bill. "Excellent! I'm grateful for your cooperation. You don't know how hard it is to handle these people. Now, would you have change for a hubcap?"
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch. "What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other. "Just make a ton of noise," says the other. The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I've heard some people are really going crazy from isolation. I'm glad I'm not one of those.
I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
The sink just said everything is going down the drain.
In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isn’t that pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic. Told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn’t say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and then..
The curtains told me to pull myself together!
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat. "I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?" The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"