1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Guy's Variation Rider - If you change queues or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works in supermarkets and shops.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Decree of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. This is also the case if you are female and you have gone out with no makeup and wearing your worst clothes and with greasy hair.
9. Murphy's Office Law - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. This will also happen when you show someone that something on the computer is easy and it doesn't work.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
A woman visits her husband in prison. They have a long talk, and then the guard tells them their time is over.
The woman gets up to leave, but before she reaches the door, she turns to the correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard, he's exhausted!"
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, all he does is eat, sleep, and sit in his cell. He doesn't even go outside in the yard!"
"Don't you lie to me!" Said the wife hotly, "He just told me he's been digging a tunnel every day for months!" 
On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said:
“We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”
Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car.
Next week, same scenario - radio says:
“10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.”
Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ.
Week three:
They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…”
And POOF - the power goes out!
The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!”
With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside.
Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.”
Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the lot. A bearded man in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?”
She explained, “My daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?”
The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.
Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!"
The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft."
The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a professional!"
After many years of work, Jack retired and started playing golf. He was at the course almost every day, but after a few years, he stopped.
When his wife asked why, he told her: "My eyesight has deteriorated. I hit the ball, but I have no idea where it flies. It takes all the fun out of it."
The wife thought for a moment and said: "Ask my brother Nathan to help you. He's eighty-five, but his vision is excellent."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think so?"
"Don't worry," she said, "Nathan sees like a hawk!"
The next day, Jack and Nathan went to the golf course together. Jack positioned himself at the first tee and hit the ball straight into the trees off the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked his brother-in-law.
"Of course!" said Nathan proudly.
Jack tried again, and this time the golf ball flew over a distant hill. "Did you see where the ball went?" he asked.
"Yes," answered Nathan, "I saw exactly where it went."
Jack, satisfied and ready to move on, asked, "Where do I need to go to collect the first 2 balls?"
"No idea." answered his brother-in-law.
"What do you mean, 'no idea'?" asked Jack angrily, "I thought you saw everything!"
"I saw," said Nathan, "but I don't remember..."
A high-powered attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days - and let’s just say, he was not the ideal patient.
He barked orders, whined about everything, and treated the nurses like they worked for him personally.
Most of the staff had just about had it with him... except the head nurse. She’d seen it all - and she wasn’t about to take any nonsense.
One morning, she marched into his room and said, “I need to take your temperature.”
He groaned, huffed, and puffed for five solid minutes, then finally opened his mouth like he was doing her a favor.
“Oh no,” the nurse said with a sweet smile. “This reading can’t be done orally.”
More complaining. More whining. But finally, with a dramatic sigh, he rolled over and presented the royal backside.
She inserted the thermometer and said, “Perfect. Now, don’t move - I’ll be right back.”
Then she walked out… and left the door WIDE open.
People passed by. Some snickered. Others laughed out loud. The attorney stewed in silent humiliation.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor walked in, took one look, and blinked.
“What on earth is going on here?” he asked.
The attorney, red-faced and furious, snapped, “Well?! Haven’t you ever seen someone getting their temperature taken?!”
The doctor paused, tilted his head, and said…
“Sure… just never with a ballpoint pen.”
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!"
Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind."
The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!"
Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!"
Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?"
Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!"
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!"
"Crap!" Jerry exclaims.
"Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes."
Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!"
"I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
A woman's dog came in one day in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her other dog separated. But she had a large house and believed that she could keep the two apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep that night, she heard growling sounds, and rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, unable to disengage (as frequently happens when dogs mate).
Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, and although very late at night, she called her vet.
"Yes?", he answered in a b grumpy voice.
She proceeded to explain the situation to him.
The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I'll call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and withdraw".
"Really, do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me."
A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
A couple of pretty gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow.
They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink.
Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask those pretty ladies over to join us?"
"My pleasure!" Hos buddy says and walks over to them saying, "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"
One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!"
He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away.
He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?"
His friend replies "Nah. They don't speak any English."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring.
Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied:
“Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector.
He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right."
Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
"The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
A huge, muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at, points in a direction and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "Ju-ju-jus-jus-just te-tell me, w-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered.
A customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, "Wow he's pissed. Why wouldn't you answer his question?"
The clerk replies, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
A stingy old man was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you when you die.”
After much thought, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.
He then directed her to take the pillow cases full of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab them on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral the deceased man’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaims. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
It's Soviet Russia, 1978, and Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door.
Rabinovich: "Who's there?"
A firm voice responds: "Post office. Please open."
Rabinovich opens the door and is unsurprised to find Two KGB agents standing there. One of them is holding an envelope.
KGB officer 1: "Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world?"
Rabinovich: "Why, Communism."
KGB officer 2: "And what country has the best living standards?"
Rabinovich: "The Soviet Union, of course."
Officer 1: "And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens?"
Rabinovich: "The Soviet Constitution, Comrades."
Officer 2: "Then do you mind explaining to us, Comrade Rabinovich, why you have recently filed a request to emigrate to France?"
Rabinovich: "Well, I heard that over there, they don't deliver the mail in the middle of the night."
In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man: "I hear you are 102!"
"That's correct." said the old man with a smile.
"Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!"
"Thank you." Said the old man humbly.
"Do you mind if I ask-"
"-How am I this healthy at my age?" finished the old man. "Help me carry this wood back home and I'll tell you."
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
"You see," said the old man, "I've been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I've been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That's why I'm in the great shape I am."
"But if that's the case," said the puzzled visitor, "how come your wife is in such great shape too?"
"Well," smiled the old man, "she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five."
A nun, sister Sarah, wakes up one morning feeling great, she gets out of bed and decides to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," to which sister Jane answers, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed this morning sister."
Puzzled, sister Sarah did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She's passing by the garden when she runs into sister Roberta and says, "Good morning sister Roberta hope you're having a great day!"
Sister Roberta answers, "Good morning sister Sarah, I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed today."
Sarah was now really anxious to know why everybody she meets keeps saying that when she feels so great, and so she decides to go and see mother superior, who was in her office. She enters and asks mother superior, "Holy mother, everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed, but I feel great!"
The mother superior replies: "That's because you have brother John's shoes on."
They say about women that...
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like France. She has been through war, and vowed never again.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said Little Johnny.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it juice?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
"A puppy!"
Johan and Eric, two computer geeks with little social experience, ran into each other at the college entrance.
"That's a great bike you have there! What made you get it?" Eric asked Johan.
Johan got off the bike, removed his helmet and responded: "I didn't purchase it, Andrea gave it to me as a gift."
"As a GIFT?!" Eric exclaimed in surprise, "I always knew she was into you, but this is taking it to a whole new level!"
Johan smiled and told him: "Yesterday I was strolling in the park and I saw Andrea on this bike. She came to me without saying anything, tossed the bike aside, then took off all her clothes and said 'Take whatever you want!'"
Eric's jaw was hanging loose.
"So, I took the bike." Johan finished.
Eric nodded in agreement and stated: "Good decision, her clothes wouldn't fit you."
On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.
A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.
The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!"
"In the next race, there was a horse named 'Bowler' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!"
"So did you bring the money home?" asked his father.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing."
"You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!'"
Sighing to himself, the father then asked, "So who did win the race?"
"A real long shot," said the son. "Some Spanish horse named 'Sombrero'."
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds.
On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and starts playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says kindly.
"Yes." he says.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know." she says encouragingly.
"It’s best I stay here." he says.
"Why’s that sweetie?" asks the compassionate teacher.
The boy gives her a weird look and says,
“Because I’m the Goalie.”
A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren.
"I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!"
The second old lady said "Oh I too send checks to my grandchildren and they visit me all the time!"
"You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own." said the first one sadly.
The second old lady smiled: "No my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours."
"So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?" Asked the first one, surprised.
"No," chuckled the other old lady, "I just don't sign mine."
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”
I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”
Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.
My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”
My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature!
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.'
Then I had to share my story:
'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”'
A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night.
"What happened?" The husband asks worriedly.
"Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary."
* * *
A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan."
The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background."
Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?"
* * *
A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"
The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.
The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"
* * *
Two Polish husbands are talking.
One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife."
The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?"
"Not since he brought her back."
* * *
A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died."
The friend: "Of old age?"
"No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise."
* * *
A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?"
The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married."
* * *
"Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife.
"Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."
Kevin gets a New Secretary.
A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions.
Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice."
Emma: "What color are her eyes?"
Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check."
Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?"
Kevin: “Not a clue in the world."
Emma: "Does she have a local accent?”
Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”
Emma: "How does she dress?"
Kevin: "Very quickly.”
Kevin's funeral will be held on Tuesday.
A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?"
"Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand...
Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story!"
LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.
ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone.
CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes.
BELL'S THEOREM
The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings.
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”
The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”
She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it."
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
“So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.”
She sighed. "Go head, Johnny."
Little Johnny smiles, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
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