Tonight

Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
How about later tonight, you let me slip into something a little more comfortable... Like you.
I'm not a d**k in real life, but I'll play one in your v*ina tonight!
How to Turn Tomatoes Red
How to Turn Tomatoes Red A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it." Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
I lost my teddy bear.
Can I sleep with you tonight?
Tell me your name so I know what to scream tonight.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Se*! Se*! Se*! Free se* tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Guy walks into a bar. Sees a hot girl.
He walks up to her and says "You're getting laid tonight.”
She replies “What are you, some sort of psychic?”
He says “No... I’m just stronger than you."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have five fingers
but tonight you’ll get two.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?