Present Jokes

What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Little Johnny and His Gift On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," said Little Johnny. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it juice?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" "A puppy!"
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
The Wise Decision Johan and Eric, two computer geeks with little social experience, ran into each other at the college entrance. "That's a great bike you have there! What made you get it?" Eric asked Johan. Johan got off the bike, removed his helmet and responded: "I didn't purchase it, Andrea gave it to me as a gift." "As a GIFT?!" Eric exclaimed in surprise, "I always knew she was into you, but this is taking it to a whole new level!" Johan smiled and told him: "Yesterday I was strolling in the park and I saw Andrea on this bike. She came to me without saying anything, tossed the bike aside, then took off all her clothes and said 'Take whatever you want!'" Eric's jaw was hanging loose. "So, I took the bike." Johan finished. Eric nodded in agreement and stated: "Good decision, her clothes wouldn't fit you."
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