An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied: 'a can of peaches.'
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She said she stole six.
The judge then said, 'I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, 'What is it?'
The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A biology student doing his thesis on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.
In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store. He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. I've been listening to so many wasps, I'll probably be able to know each and every one of them."
He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper feigns interest. The student pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.
"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.
"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!
It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was already an expert on the subject! He calls his professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him:
"I thought I was an expert by now, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, almost in tears.
The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record. "Ah, I know what the problem is!" He says.
"What? what is it?!"
"You've got it on the B-side!"
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father - Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”
A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked.
"Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
“Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
“Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."
A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.
After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of love making, the woman is no closer to being satisfied whilst the man is nearly finished and wants to hold out, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places until he is ready to do more. So the friend is now copulating with the wife while the man wafts the towel.
After 2 minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The husband looks at them proudly and says: “now that, my friend, is how you waft a bloody towel!”
Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc. etc.
These loops never happen in real life, unless...
A company CEO tells his secretary:
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."
The secretary calls her husband:
"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."
The husband calls his lover:
"My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together..."
The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:
"Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."
One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:
"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."
The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:
"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."
The secretary calls her husband:
"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."
The husband calls his lover:
"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."
The lover tells the kids:
"My problem was solved, school is back on."
The kid goes to the grandfather:
"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."
The CEO calls his secretary:
"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad."
The secretary calls her husband....
A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"
"What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"
"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.
"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him."
"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"
"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"
A married couple wakes up one morning, and while still lying in bed, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today?"
"What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband.
"I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home."
The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it disappeared. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag.
"Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?"
"You were dreaming about your work all night..." the wife answered.
"Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?"
"Because every 2 minutes you were shouting your secretary's name!"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she told the panicked lover. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?!?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Oh ok, you were right."
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.
The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)"
Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!)
The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
Coffin will be closed.
It was George the Mailman’s last day.
As he did his final rounds he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.
But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blond wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.
She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hash browns.
George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup. Curious, he asks the blond, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”
“Oh,” says the blond, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement.
He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’
She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was MY idea!”
A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English. Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want suits, I want socks.)" said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don't want shirts, I want socks.)" repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want pants, I want socks)" insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es (Now that's it)!"
"Then why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!?" yelled the salesgirl.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said Little Johnny.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it juice?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
"A puppy!"
A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City.
The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd love to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. "Maybe I should ask her."
The husband raises a hand. "Allow me, my love."
The wife beams at him. "What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie."
The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?"
"I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman.
"Nice. How much were they?"
"Oh, around 500 dollars."
"Thanks for letting me know."
The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, "She got her shoes in Los Angeles."
Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'll enjoy a vacation as regular people.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
'Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Philomena!'
Once upon a time there was a thief and a politician who were friends. One day, they entered a chocolate store.
While they were busy looking around, the thief stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the thief said to the politician: "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The politician replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."
So they went to the counter and politician said to the shopkeeper: "Hey do you wanna see magic?"
The Shop keeper replied: "Sure!"
The politician says: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop keeper gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for a second, and he ate that as well.. He asked a third, and finished that one too.
The shop keeper asked: "But where's the magic?"
The politician replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find it!"
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose." she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "and you think I'm out enjoying myself every night."
The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife.
The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.
"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.
The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.
"I'll have it ENLARGED."
A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window.
She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it. Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day.
A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is.
She angrily calls his cell phone.
"Where the hell are you?!?" she yells.
"Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
"Yeah, I remember that my love!" she replies, smiling and blushing as she does, her anger changing to euphoria.
"I'm in the bar just next to that shop."
A rich man comes home and immediately starts shouting at his wife.
"I've been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!"
"Different how?" the wife asked.
"Well, for starters, if you learned how to cook, we wouldn't need a personal chef. If you learned to clean, we wouldn't need a maid!"
The wife looks at him and responds: "Then we just need to teach you how to satisfy a woman. Then we can let the gardener go as well."
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it."
The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue."
As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."
The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him.
The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that.
In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said, "I told you that you'd be back for the story!"
"To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician??"
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary and bleary eyes, she read:
I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked.
"Because that's a microwave."
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball." his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en-route home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man!
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head in amazement, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replied, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'
A young couple had recently gotten married, and after three months, the wife went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she was pregnant. She was thrilled, but the doctor also informed her that, due to a rare complication, she shouldn't have sex with her husband until after the birth.
The wife went home and told her husband what the doctor had said. The husband agreed to try and hold out.
After a month, the husband couldn't resist anymore and asked his wife to be intimate. Of course, she refused. Seeing her husband so depressed and sad, the wife called him over and said, "My dear husband, I know you're suffering. Here, take $100 and go to a sex worker to relieve yourself."
The husband took the money and thought to himself, "What a wonderful and considerate wife," opened the door, and went down the stairs, feeling cheerful.
When he reached the first floor, the neighbor's wife saw him and asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He happily told her the whole story.
She then said, "Why go looking outside for a sex worker? Give me the 100 bucks, and I'll take care of you."
The man agreed, gave her the money, went into her apartment, enjoyed himself for twenty minutes, and then returned home.
His wife saw him and was astonished, asking, "What happened, dear? You came back so quickly; did you change your mind?"
The husband replied, "I went downstairs, and the neighbor saw me. She offered to take the money instead, so that's what I did."
His wife got very angry and said, "What a jerk! When she was pregnant, I did her husband for free!"
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!"
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sergeant: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?"
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my Jeep."
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?"
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins robbing the house.
The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs.
Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!"
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible." says the criminal. "Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in with you."
Yet the man again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
"Look, I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." says the burglar, feeling a little ashamed of himself.
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" the man is now crying.
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, does find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he says "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately."
"Not really," The man replies in a state of frenzy, "it's just that she will be home in 15 minutes."
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blonde says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!"
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful! It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
The boss asks, "So what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Some coffee and a popsicle."
A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''
The other man looks at him and says, ''But... you're naked.''
The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and shouts, ''Them little bastards!''
Marriage is an exciting part of our life. The vows we made on our wedding day really did mean the world to us, and we thought the blessed joy of matrimony would never die. However, once we are married, that thrill does dip - let's be honest about it!
The hilarious joke below makes this truth perfectly clear - read it top to bottom. When you're finished - read it bottom to top!
Husband: At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife: Do you want me to leave?
Husband: No! Don't even think that.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: No! Why are you even asking?
Wife: Will you kiss me?
Husband: Every chance I get!
Wife: Will you hit me?
Husband: Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife: Can I trust you?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Oh my Darling!
This was BEFORE the wedding.
To see what happens AFTER the wedding, read from end (bottom) to start (top) ...
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types "mypenis".
As he hits "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!
A woman went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you're having relations?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Oh boy, he looked angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face 'once' during lovemaking.
That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was watching us through the window."
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $20.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.
During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water has too much waste in it.
Your dog has ringworms.
Your teenage daughter is pregnant.
Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.
Also, your car needs a new radiator.
And you wonder why you have a headache?
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home.
The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.
The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook!”
Man walks up to the employee and says "Yeah, I would like uhhh...hhmm....the Polish sausage."
The employee kind of chuckles and says "Polish sausage, you must be Polish?"
The man gets immediately angry and yells "HEY, just cause I ordered a polish sausage don't make me Polish! if I ordered drench fries does that make me drench, if I order Swedish meatballs does that make me Swedish, if I ordered a Cuban sandwich does that make me Cuban? give me one good reason you have the right to think I'm Polish cause I ordered a polish sausage, cause I'm not Polish!!"
The employee sighs: "Sir, this is a hardware store."
Wife and husband are sitting together sipping wine and watching a movie.
The Wife suddenly whispers: "I Love You..."
Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Wife: "It's me, talking to the wine."
A duck goes into a store and waddles up to the manager.
He asks him if he sells duck food. The shopkeeper tells him no. The duck then leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks the same question again. The shopkeeper tells him, testily, that the store still doesn’t sell duck food. The duck leaves.
The following day the duck returns again and asks the same question. The shopkeeper is getting pissed off, so says no and warns the duck if he asks one more time, he will staple the duck’s feet to the floor.
The next day the duck goes back into the store. He waddles up to the (now red faced) shopkeeper and asks ‘Do you sell staples?’
'No'. The puzzled shopkeeper says.
'Great.' Says the duck. 'Do you sell duck food?’
A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”
A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark.
A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous.
He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
"Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yea, but who wants HIM back?"
A man comes to see an incredibly successful assassin who was known to charge $10,000 per bullet. "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" He asks him.
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
The assassin looks at the man, very serious. "I don't miss," he hisses.
"Okay, okay," says the man nervously. "Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife has been having an affair with my best friend for years! They're at their usual motel right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his penis off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks impatiently.
"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I might be able to save you $10k."
A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce.
"You can't buy just half a head, we sell them whole." says the employee.
The customer responds "Go get your manager, and I'll ask him."
So the employee goes to his manager and says "Some a$*hole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head..." when he realizes the customer is right behind him. However, he immediately turns and without missing a beat, he gestures: "and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half!"
After the customer leaves, the manager says "That was pretty quick thinking, tell me about yourself. Where are you from?"
The kid says "I'm from Brazil."
"So why didn't you stay there? Isn't it a beautiful country?"
"Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts." Said he kid.
"My wife is from Brazil!" growls the manager in sudden anger.
"Really?" Asks the kid without losing a beat, "What team does she play for?"
A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp tossed in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said: "I feel that you are married. You have 3 wishes woman, but know that anything you ask for your husband will get as well, only double! Sorry but the rules were written at a more primitive time."
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautiful!"
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.
"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for."
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision.
"I want you to scare me half to death!"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replied, "Well son when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."
Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."
"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Two women are talking about their love life over coffee.
"I don't know what to do.." groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!"
"Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband."
"Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!"
"Well," smirks Sharon, "I just sit next to him and then I slowly put my hand down his pants and say: "My, aren't you cold in there, could use some heating up... works every time!"
"You know what, maybe I'll try that." laughs Margie.
They meet up again a few days later and Margie is in a terrible mood.
"You almost got me divorced!" she says to Sharon.
"WHAT? HOW??" Sharon is astounded.
"Well, I did what you said, and I stuck my hand down his pants, but it wasn't cold it was already hot!"
"So?" asks Sharon, confused.
"Well then I asked my husband why the inside of his pants is hot and not cold like Sharon's husband."
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and...
Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
A few minutes later the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!"
The husband rolls over and yells, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa, pay the man."
A wife is having an affair with a young man, unbeknownst to her husband. The young man makes tremendous love, her husband couldn’t hold a candle to this young man’s abilities. His stamina is never-ending, he’s like a machine in bed. When the affair started the wife and the young man used to keep it strictly between the time her husband was at work but she longed for more.
Eventually they came up with a solution of making a hole on her side of the bed. This way he could make endless passionate love to her from underneath the bed even while her husband home. Things were going great until the wife couldn’t keep quiet during intercourse, constantly moaning.
“Aaaah, aah, aah.”
All the while her husband was lying right next to her. When her husband inquired about this sound, she said it was the air conditioner malfunctioning. The husband became extremely irritated at this sound and told his wife to smack the unit around to quiet it down, as the AC was on her side of the bed.
They continued this secret affair for a while before the husband had had enough of this broken AC and his wife’s refusal to try and fix it in the night. So the next night when they were about to go to bed, the husband lay down on the wife’s side of the bed, so he could try and fix the AC when it started malfunctioning again. The wife reluctantly agreed, she was sure the young man underneath the bed would realize what had happened and just remain still for tonight. She was awakened in the middle of the night from sounds coming from her husband's side of the room.
“Uhhhhh, uhhhh, uuuhhhh...”
Concerned she asked her profusely sweating husband, “Is everything alright?”
“It’s just this darn A/C unit.”
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about that anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things."
The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow.
The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have book club.'
A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Actually no," the tourist said, "please get the hell away from my car!"
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