How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
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