"As has often been noted, physics is to math what lovemaking is to masturbation."
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"
Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
The Husband's Budgetary Concerns
A rich man comes home and immediately starts shouting at his wife.
"I've been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!"
"Different how?" the wife asked.
"Well, for starters, if you learned how to cook, we wouldn't need a personal chef. If you learned to clean, we wouldn't need a maid!"
The wife looks at him and responds: "Then we just need to teach you how to satisfy a woman. Then we can let the gardener go as well."