Machine

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
The Machine Doctor
The Machine Doctor One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $20.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks. During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water has too much waste in it. Your dog has ringworms. Your teenage daughter is pregnant. Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months. Also, your car needs a new radiator. And you wonder why you have a headache?
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather