Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
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