How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
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