Record Jokes

The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
The Wasp Expert A biology student doing his thesis on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store. In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store. He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. I've been listening to so many wasps, I'll probably be able to know each and every one of them." He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper feigns interest. The student pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on. "Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track. "Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is! It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was already an expert on the subject! He calls his professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him: "I thought I was an expert by now, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" He says, almost in tears. The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record. "Ah, I know what the problem is!" He says. "What? what is it?!" "You've got it on the B-side!"
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!

But it didn't effect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me...
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
What’s a mouse’s least favorite record?
What’s up Pussycat!
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
What's a mouse's least favorite record? What's up Pussycat! Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak!
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
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