Half

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Half Wishes
Half Wishes A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp tossed in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said: "I feel that you are married. You have 3 wishes woman, but know that anything you ask for your husband will get as well, only double! Sorry but the rules were written at a more primitive time." So, the woman thinks of a first wish... "I want to be rich!" So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich! So, the woman thinks of a second wish... "I want to be beautiful!" So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful. "Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for." The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision. "I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!"
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
The Surgeon Lecturer
The Surgeon Lecturer One day when I was a junior medical student, a very important Boston surgeon visited the school and delivered a great treatise on a large number of patients who had undergone successful operations for vascular reconstruction. At the end of the lecture, a young student at the back of the room timidly asked, "Do you have any control subjects?" The surgeon drew himself up to his full height, slammed the desk with his fist, and said, "Do you mean did I NOT operate on half the patients?!" The hall grew very quiet then. The voice at the back of the room hesitantly replied, "Yes, that's what I had in mind." Then the surgeon's fist really came crashing down as he thundered, "Of course not!! That would have doomed half of them to their death!!" God it was quiet then.... And one could scarcely hear the small voice ask: "Which half?"