Smart

How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
The Monthly Charge
The Monthly Charge Some time ago, a man had two sons. As they got older, everyone quickly realized that Jackson was very sharp, while Blake was about as sharp as a spoon. They were both loved very much and cared for. As time went by, the father got sick and eventually passed away. Jackson called his brother on the phone and told him: "Listen, I have an enormously important business meeting I must attend, but I will get on the first flight home. Here are my credit card details, please make sure dad looks his best and gets everything money can buy for his funeral, spare no expense!" He wasn't sure this was a great idea, given that Blake was... well, Blake, but he had no one else to call. Surprisingly, Blake took care of everything, and did it with a rather decent budget. Jackson was pleasantly surprised and the funeral went well, if a sad and emotional affair for all. A few months later Jackson calls Blake again. "Listen," he says. "I don't want to make accusations or nothin', but could it be that you are still using my card for about $300 dollars every month? I can see it here on my credit report." "Of course not!" said Blake, insulted. "I would never steal from you, you know that!" "Yea, I do." Said Jackson, "But how do you explain these?" "Oh," said Blake, "I bet those are for dad's tux. You said you wanted him to look his best so I rented the most expensive suit in town!"
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
A Quick Thinker
A Quick Thinker A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce. "You can't buy just half a head, we sell them whole." says the employee. The customer responds "Go get your manager, and I'll ask him." So the employee goes to his manager and says "Some a$*hole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head..." when he realizes the customer is right behind him. However, he immediately turns and without missing a beat, he gestures: "and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half!" After the customer leaves, the manager says "That was pretty quick thinking, tell me about yourself. Where are you from?" The kid says "I'm from Brazil." "So why didn't you stay there? Isn't it a beautiful country?" "Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts." Said he kid. "My wife is from Brazil!" growls the manager in sudden anger. "Really?" Asks the kid without losing a beat, "What team does she play for?"
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
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